Wednesday, July 17, 2013

My Neighbors Are Vampires! (and other misconceptions)

My neighbors are vampires, I'm convinced of it now although I didn't always feel that way. It all started when they moved into the house next door; but I'm ahead of myself. The old lady who lived there apparently had died before I moved in. I didn't realize it was her sister that I saw all the time. She would drive up everyday to take care of the house. The reason I noticed so much was that there were so many cats over there (and I live in the front house and see everything). They were always yowling and fighting, especially at night and they seemed to think my yard was an annex to theirs. I was thinking about going over to talk to her about the pesky critters, but I stopped seeing her. My other neighbor told me she had moved. Great, and she left the cats. Then one day I noticed a red truck parked out front and I saw a young guy puttering around in the yard. This went on for a while, and then one day I heard several voices (sound carries really well where I live). I went out to get the mail and looked over and saw a group of old people, sitting and talking. Well, at least I wouldn't have to worry about loud music and parties. Now if I could just get rid of those damn cats.

They never sleep...

I had started to forget about the neighbors when one night about eleven thirty, I heard them talking. Wasn't it kind of late for old people to be up? Especially since they had been up all day? But I didn't ponder the question too hard, I had had a long day and quickly fell back asleep. Later, I thought I was dreaming, but soon realized that I was actually hearing pounding coming from the neighbor's house. What the heck? I looked at the time; one seventeen in the morning. I'm not sure how long it had been going on, but it was pretty loud, or it seemed so. You know how sound carries at that hour. I looked out my bedroom window, which looks onto their house and yard, but couldn't see anything but a single dim light. The pounding finally stopped around four-thirty in the morning. Of course, it would be dawn soon. Sunrise. A fact important to vampires.

Please help me because I'm confused, I grew up with Bela Lugosi as Dracula. Remember, he always had to be in his coffin by sunrise and he wouldn't come out until sunset? No self-respecting vampire would be caught dead being out in the sunlight. They'd burn up. But all that changed with Twilight; now they 'sparkle' and they never sleep. My neighbors are up all the time. This says to me there are no 'safe' hours anymore; hunting season is round-the-clock. And, ever since the vampire slapped that crucifix out of Roddy McDowell's hand in Fright Night, I know that crucifixes are no longer effective weapons. I think stakes still work though, and a clan of giant wolves wouldn't hurt.

I'm not crazy...

Well, no one is taking me seriously. Everybody insists there is a logical explanation for everything. Right. I decided that the next time they were outside, I was just going to bite the bullet and talk to them. The opportunity came one day while I was outside. I walked over to the fence called out to them and introduced myself. They were really quite friendly and I almost felt embarrassed when with my very next breath, point-blank asked them why there was always pounding coming from their house. They laughed and said that there was a lot of remodeling to be done in the house. Now I was embarrassed. Of course, how could I have thought there was anything amiss? I should be ashamed.

Later that night, I was awakened by pounding, and I began to think. At first, remodeling sounded like a very reasonable answer. But we're talking about a very tiny house. They could have built a brand new one by now. And what elderly people are remodeling in the middle of the night?

Okay, I have to get a grip on my imagination. The last time it got away from me was when we were living down the hill. Our neighbor and her baby just up and vanished. This was right after her husband had returned from the military and he was very unfriendly. Having watched Rear Window one too many times, I pulled a Jimmy Stewart and naturally assumed he'd gotten rid of them. Lucky for me, the landlord assured me they were alright.

Now, lately, there's been a lot of action in the back yard. Digging and knocking around. One would expect to find at least an in-ground pool after all that. Or maybe a nice patio; something. But nope, nothing, it's as big a mess as it always was. So, I ask you, what are they doing?

If I ever turn up missing...

Maybe I should bake up a batch of cookies and take them over. Then I could see for myself what's going on. Do I dare? What if they really are just some old people fixing up the house they bought? Maybe they'll think I'm the nutcase. But what if I'm right? If I should ever turn up missing, make sure I'm not next door, pounding away. Nonsense, one would think I have an over-active imagination.

Did I mention I saw a pack of really big dogs run across the open field the other evening?

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