My Neighbors Are Vampires! (and other misconceptions) Epilogue

“Hello, is that the police? Oh, good, I’m calling about the lady next door. What? No she’s not in danger, she’s....What? Oh, I’m sorry; I didn't realize I should only call 911 in an emergency. What? A local number? Oh, OK. What? You’ll transfer me, oh, thank you. What? Yes, I’ll hold.”

“Hello, is this still the police? I’m calling about the lady next door. What? NO, she doesn't need help. Well, she might, I don’t know, maybe you’ll find that out. What? I am speaking slowly. If you just stop interrupting me, I can tell you why I’m calling.

It all started when we moved in. What? Who? Me and my friends. What? No, it’s a house. What? No, we’re not tenants; we pooled our resources and bought this little house to share. It’s better than living at the retirement home. What? I am coming to the point. No, she hasn't threatened us, well not directly, but...What? Well, it’s just little things, but you know how these things add up, well maybe you don’t, you don’t sound very smart, maybe I should be talking to someone a bit more...What? No, of course I know you’re a trained professional. No, that won’t be necessary, thank you; I don’t wanna go on hold again. No, we haven’t got a dispute going on, we haven’t approached her, but she’s talked to us. What? No, like I said, she hasn't threatened us, she hasn't been rude or anything, but we’re kinda spooked at how she carries on. What? OK, specifics, well, she watches everything we do, day and night. Used to watch the lady we bought the house off of too. How do we know? Our other neighbor told us. And she hears things, like voices, and loud thumping in the dead of the night. What? Because she told us. What? Well, we just played along, told her we were remodeling the place. We didn't wanna upset her; we've seen the way she looks at the cats. What? No, they’re still alive, so far.

What? No, no need to come around, I just wanted to log a call, not even a complaint really, just, you know, just in case. What? Distinguishing features? Oh, sure, she’s a real pretty middle-aged lady. Compared to us, she’s more like a real pretty young lady. What? I am staying focused. What? Well, she wears these big dark glasses, and she’s got this real spooky way of looking at you over the tops of the frames, sort of intense, makes you think she’s maybe reading your thoughts, or maybe trying to send you hers. No, no, I haven’t sensed any. OK, I realize there’s no law against looking or thinking stuff. Anyway, I feel better for having called you, you know, like I said, just in case. What? Oh, thank you, you have a nice day too.”

“Did the cops buy that?”

“What’s not to buy? Tonight, we start tunneling faster; I wanna be digging up under her floorboards before sun-up Saturday. Give her a day to remember. Well, a day for us to remember. She’s got a great complexion, must be in the blood. Bet she’s got a beautiful neck under that hair, yum, yum. Now that I've called the cops, we can make as much noise as we like, they won’t take no notice if she calls them to complain, they’ll think she’s nuts.”